


long as there are stars above you

by Katarin



Series: God Only Knows [3]
Category: Bandom, Bandom: Panic at the Disco
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Group Marriage, M/M, Multi, Polygamy, Relgious Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-23
Updated: 2010-08-23
Packaged: 2017-10-11 05:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katarin/pseuds/Katarin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Jon Walker ever wanted was Spencer Smith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	long as there are stars above you

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to God Only Knows, it runs somewhat concurrent to I may not always love you

Jon accidentally trips Ryan Ross on his way to Sunday morning services. It really was an accident, he's running a bit late (as usual) and his mother always makes him wear shoes to Sunday services and walking around barefoot most of the time means he's just not used to them. He trips all the time, which is clear from the fact that this is probably the third Sunday in a row he's tripped Ryan in exactly this spot. He and his friend Spencer stand under the big tree across from the meeting hall every Sunday, watching everyone else go in and it's not Jon's fault that Ryan seems to always be right where he's trying to walk.

"Sorry!" he calls back over his shoulder, not stopping because he's going to be in so much trouble if he doesn't get there before the last of the congregation seats themselves. Something hits him from behind though and he falls in a heap onto the ground, getting dirt all over his good clothes and he's not sure, but he thinks his knee is skinned. His mom is going to tan his hide if he bleeds all over his Sunday best.

"What the?" he calls, turning over and there's Spencer Smith, Ryan Ross' best friend, standing with a frown on his face.

"You should apologize to Ryan," he says, folding his arms. He shouldn't be talking to Jon like this and they both know it. It's inappropriate because Spencer's divine path has revealed him to be a future boywife and Jon's has revealed him to be a husband. It would be sort of okay for Ryan to talk to him like this, because he doesn't have a future yet, but Spencer could get in serious trouble for this. If Jon told someone, Spencer would get in trouble.

It's obvious he doesn't care though, chin lifted and staring defiantly at Jon. Jon didn't ever play with Spencer when they were younger, but he's heard stories about Spencer punching Bobby Grant when they were both four because Bobby tried to steal Ryan's toy car.

Jon always smiled whenever Bobby told that story. He doesn't like it when people pick on smaller or younger kids and Ryan's one of the smallest kids on the Compound. "I'm sorry, Ryan," Jon tells him as sincerely as possible. "I really didn't mean it."

Ryan just shrugs. "It's okay," he says and Spencer rolls his eyes but his hands aren't clenched into fists at his sides anymore. Jon turns to leave and he can hear Ryan mumble something to Spencer. Whatever it is must be funny because Spencer laughs, his entire face lighting up with a huge smile and for just a second, Jon can't move.

He's late for services and his mother scolds him and makes him do extra chores. Jon doesn't mind though because it was worth it. Spencer's smile is the prettiest thing he's ever seen and he'd do three times as many chores as usual to see it again.

 

Tom Conrad transfers at the beginning of Jon's freshman year. He's a full year older than Jon and his classmates but he's taking freshman classes anyway. Sarah Coleman is an office aide and she says that he has police documents in his file, that he failed last year and got expelled. Jon hears this from Sarah Coleman herself in first period Spanish when she's telling all of her friends. It's not a big school and it isn't long until everyone else knows too.

Jon has a lot of classes with Tom: English, Biology, Algebra and even Intro Photography (which his dad said Jon could take so long as he keeps his grades up). His plan is to keep as far away from Tom as possible. He doesn't want to be associated with him or have his bad reputation reflect poorly on him. His teachers obviously have other plans though because he ends up with Tom as his lab partner in both Biology and Photography, sitting next to him in English and in front of him in Algebra. Jon's pretty much resigned to having to speak to him but still tries to keep his distance.

Then they have their first day with cameras in Photography and it becomes really obvious just how lucky he is to have Tom as his partner.

"They're going to fucking ruin that lens," he hisses at Jon, around the lollipop he seems to always have in his mouth. "They're going to break that lens and it's like our teacher doesn't even care." He sounds so exasperated and horrified that Jon can't help but smile, laughing quietly to himself. "Oh, so you aren't incapable of smiling after all?"

Jon coughs and looks back down at the camera. "It's not-" he begins, but Tom holds his hand up, shoving his sunglasses up on top of his head and pulling the lollipop out of his mouth.

"Don't, man. I'm not the brightest guy but I'm not a complete idiot. I know why I'm less than popular in a school full of Mormons. Like I even care." He rolls his eyes when he says it, but he also bites his lip, like maybe he does care.

Tom sits by himself at lunch, hidden beneath his stupid sunglasses he even wears indoors, he sucks on lollipops in the back of the class and walks home alone. Jon always figured that was because Tom wanted it that way, that Tom didn't want to be friends with any of them either. Jon wonders what the Prophet would say, what his mother would say if she knew that he'd judged Tom like this, left him friendless and alone because of idle gossip.

He says a quick prayer, asking the holy spirit for forgiveness and turns back to Tom. He resolves to spend more time getting to know Tom so he can decide for himself whether Tom's the sort of person he wants to be friends with.

 

Tom knows everything about photography. He doesn't really, but whenever Jon asks a question he almost always has the answer. Tom keeps quiet mostly but Jon can always get him to start talking when he brings up their latest assignment in Photography or asks about some new technique he was thinking of trying out.

"I'm not really good with words, you know?" he tells Jon, holding his lollipop in the corner of his mouth, cheek bulging while he messes with the lighting for their latest assignment. "But with pictures, I won't get it wrong. I can show people exactly what I'm thinking, exactly what it is I want to say. "

Jon stares for a second because he sort of does understand what Tom's saying. Sometimes he thinks the only way he could possibly understand or explain something is through the lens of his camera. He must stare for too long though because Tom ducks his head and shrugs, cheeks flushing. "Plus I like cameras," he says defensively and Jon just laughs and helps him with the lighting.

"How much longer until lunch?" he asks for the fifteenth time, later, when they're done with their assignment and the teacher won't let them do anything else with their camera. Jon's watching the clock, staring with some urgency while Tom noisily sucks on his lollipop in the seat next to him.

He skipped breakfast this morning so he could leave the house early enough to walk to school with the middle schoolers. He was three steps behind Spencer almost the entire way; watched him push his hair out of his eyes and pull down his sleeves while talking to Ryan. Spencer smiled so huge, laughing at something Ryan said and Jon couldn't breathe for a second.

What that all means now, though is that he's hungry and it feels like lunch will never come. The delicious fake cherry-sugar scent of Tom's lollipop isn't helping anything.

"Man, lunch will come when it comes. Chill out," Tom tells him and Jon crosses his arms on the desk and lays his head down on them.

"Easy for you to say, Mr. I-eat-candy-all-day-and-the-teachers-say-nothing," Jon shoots back. Tom goes still next to him and when Jon looks over at him he's ducking his head again, stupidly long bangs falling into his face. Jon doesn't know what he said wrong, but he clearly did because Tom doesn't look up again. The bell rings a few minutes of tense silence later and Tom's gone.

Jon sees him in the lunch room, sitting by himself at the end of the table with his bagged lunch and drinking a can of soda. He still doesn't know what he did wrong, but he doesn't like leaving it that way. Tom's an okay guy, passionate about photography and funny in a really understated way. Jon's really, really sorry for whatever it is he did.

"Can I sit here?" he asks, standing awkwardly across the table from Tom with his lunch tray gripped tightly in his hand. Tom looks up, face the picture of confusion before nodding.

"Thanks," he says, sitting down and picking up his fork. "So what are you thinking about doing for the still life thing?" Tom still looks confused but he puts down his soda and answers him. Before the end of lunch Tom is actually smiling and even laughs at a stupid joke Jon tells about their incompetent photography teacher.

"It's to help me quit smoking," Tom whispers to him the next day in the darkroom. They're developing their most recent assignment, bent close over the tubs of chemicals. "I mean… you heard about me getting in trouble last year for drugs, right?" Jon just nods because there's no reason to lie, the whole school knows. "Well, my parents made me quit everything and it's not like I was a huge stoner or something and I only tried coke a few times but I'm kind of a chain smoker."

"So… what helps you quit smoking?" Jon asks because Tom's just sort of coming out with this out of nowhere.

Tom blushes. Jon can't see the color on his cheeks but he recognizes the way Tom ducks his head and lets his hair cover his face. "The lollipops help. My parents won't let me go on the patch or gum or anything but they signed a waiver for me to have the candy. It's something to do with my mouth when I want a cigarette."

"Which is basically always?" and Jon doesn't mean to sound like a smartass, but Tom is seriously always sucking on those things.

Tom shrugs but he's smiling. "I told you I was a chain smoker."

Jon leans in, face serious, though he doesn't know how well Tom will see it in the low light. "You should share next time I'm dying of starvation," he says. "What would your parents say if they knew you let me die?"

Tom rolls his eyes. "They'd ask if you were a good influence first, fucker." Jon's slowly getting used to the way Tom swears, casually and like it's no big deal. He's expecting the punch on his shoulder and even gives it right back. He's proud of himself because Tom's kind of the coolest person he's ever met.

 

"So what's your deal with Ross?" Tom asks him, leaning back from his desk to stretch, chair on two legs. Jon's sitting on Tom's bed, back against the headboard and his textbook in his lap. He told his moms he was studying for a Geometry test and technically they are, they're just taking a lot of breaks to play Final Fantasy on Tom's PS2.

Jon shrugs and Tom raises an eyebrow. "No, seriously. You're not the type to hate on Freshmen for no reason and it's like you've got a bug up your ass every time Ross is around."

"I do not. Ryan's a nice guy. My family's known his for like, ever," Jon answers back because it's true. He thinks one of Ryan's moms, one of his old moms, before she was taken away, is related to one of Jon's moms.

"Don't even try and lie. You nearly took his head off after school today, man." Tom's leaned back far enough that he's watching Jon from practically upside down.

"That's completely not true. I'm _never_ mean to Ryan!" he argues because he isn't. He learned his lesson when he was staring down Spencer as a kid. He'd never be mean to Ryan Ross.

"For you? Mr. Fair Play and all around nice guy? It's like your version of being mean." He sits up, turns around in his chair so he's facing Jon. "You two seem to get along in gym, why do you get so defensive when he's hanging around after school?"

The truth is, Spencer's always around afterschool. When the last bell rings for the junior high he walks to the high school and sits at the base of the flagpole doing his homework until Ryan comes for him. They walk home together every day and sometimes Jon's lucky enough to get to talk to Spencer before Ryan comes out.

It's possible he half runs out of 6th period English to do this every day.

"I don't have anything against Ryan. It's just… you know his friend, Spencer?" Jon asks, because what's the point of having a best friend if you can't tell them about being hopelessly in love with someone who's all but married already?

"Kind of tall, pale, girly-looking kid?" Tom asks and Jon sits up straight.

"Don't _talk_ about Spencer that way!" he says and it isn't until he sees the way Tom's eyes widen that he notices he's got his hands balled into fists. "I didn't… um," he's stuttering and Tom cracks up.

"Oh dude, you're sweet on Ross' boyfriend?" Tom manages around his laughter. Jon might die blushing.

"Shut up! He's really smart and he says really funny things and his smile is like-" Jon knows he's grinning like a dope and tries to stop but from the look on Tom's face he's not doing a very good job. "Oh shut up!"

"Jonny's got a _cruuuuush_," Tom singsongs and Jon throws the pillow on Tom's bed at him. "Aww, c'mon, it's adorable."

"No it's not," Jon shoots back, messing with the sleeves on his shirt, still blushing.

"Nah. Seriously, Jon, he's cute," Tom says, looking up like he's trying to remember a specific thing about Spencer to compliment. "I mean his clothes are kind of weird, the long sleeves and drab colors… kind of like yours?"

Jon looks up because Tom's never mentioned his homespun clothing before. He always assumed Tom just didn't care. Tom stares at him consideringly. "Why _do_ you wear the same thing he does?" Tom finally asks. Jon's kind of speechless.

"It's… we all wear homespun. You know that. We all, the Compound, we make our own clothes," Jon tells him and Tom just looks confused. "You did notice that half the school dresses like me, right?" But by the look on Tom's face, he can tell that Tom hadn't.

"Oh, oh wow, Tom. You… you do realize I'm a polygamist, right? I'm… my family is Fundamentalist?"

"Wait, seriously?" Tom asks stunned and now it's Jon's turn to crack up.

"You're the single least aware person I know. You know that, right?" Tom just throws the pillow back at him.

 

There's something Tom's not telling him and if it wasn't for the fact that Jon was in such an awful mood, he'd be bothering him to find out what it was. He'd run out of class today, sprinted from 6th period only to get out in front of the school just in time to see Spencer and Ryan walking towards home.

That wasn't all that unusual. Sometimes Jon doesn't even see them leave but this time Jon caught them holding hands. It was completely innocent, just their fingers twined together, Ryan's thumb sweeping over Spencer's wrist. It made something inside of him ache to see the way Spencer lit up at the touch, the way he ducked his head but leaned into it.

"So I'm thinking next semester, you and me should take a photography class at the community college," Tom says, interrupting his thoughts by dropping pamphlets on the bed in front of Jon and sitting next to him.

"Seriously?" Jon asks, looking up while he's going through the little pile of course offerings.

"Hell yeah! I'm gonna have my license soon and I know my parents would be down for it. I'm getting good grades and it always looks good on college apps to have college credits," Tom's clearly really excited and it makes Jon excited too. "This is like a chance to learn for real! You know I'm better at practical shit than anything I read in a book."

Jon nods, agreeing to ask his parents and even writes down Tom's point about it looking good on a college application. "Parents eat shit like that up, Jwalk!" Tom says, leaning in close to make sure Jon was writing it down exactly right.

Tom's breathing in his ear, chest against Jon's shoulder and when Jon turns his head, they're only inches away from each other. It's a bad idea, a terrible idea because Tom's his best friend and doesn't even believe in God, let alone the Principle. But Tom's funny now that Jon knows him, he's smart in his own way, his smile is beautiful and sometimes Jon feels like no one could ever know him as well as Tom does.

He leans in, closing the distance between them to press his mouth to Tom's. It's clumsy, dry lips against dry lips and Jon thinks he's going to die of embarrassment because he _knows_ Tom knows what he's doing so this has to be him. He pulls away, ducking his head and blushing and he's surprised when Tom cups his cheek and tilts his face back up.

It's so much better this time, Tom parts his lips and it's wetter, less hesitant. Jon closes his eyes and opens his mouth for Tom, lets Tom slide his tongue into Jon's mouth. It's soft still, Tom's hand cupping his cheek and jaw, nothing more than a gentle exploration. Tom leans in, just a little and Jon lets him start nudging him back down onto the bed.

Jon opens his eyes while he's leaning back. He wants to see how Tom looks like this, when he's kissing and is startled to find Tom staring back at him. It makes him jump back and Tom bites his lip and pulls away. He rolls onto his side so he's looking up at the ceiling and Jon feels like he could start a forest-fire with the heat of his blush.

"We could try it again?" Jon finally says, once the awkward silence has gone on forever.

He can feel Tom shaking his head. "No. This was a bad idea," Tom says and even though Jon knows he has a point he wants to argue.

"Jon," Tom says, like he can read his mind. "Seriously, I'm not boywife material." It's true, Tom would make the world's worst boywife ever but the way Tom says it makes it sound like an accusation.

"Tom?" He asks, uncertain how to say what it is he needs to ask. _Are we still friends? What aren't you telling me?_ and last but not least, _why do you say boywife like a curse?_ Jon tried to explain it to him, several times in fact. He never got the impression that Tom really understood what he was saying but he also didn't feel like Tom was judging him for it.

"We're cool, Jwalk," Tom says and reaches out to pat Jon's side. Jon turns his head and Tom's trying to smile and failing. Tom's the worst at faking his feelings.

"No were not," he says and Tom bites his lip.

"We will be, okay?" and Tom sounds certain of that, certain that no matter what, they'll make it through.

"Okay," Jon answers because there's nothing else to do. Tom's his best friend all he can hope is that they can get past this. "So… college classes?"

 

"Hey," Jon says, standing awkwardly on Tom's doorstep with an overnight bag in his hand. "Is it all right if I… umm, just for the night?" Tom nods and lets him in.

"Hey mom," he shouts towards the kitchen. "Mom, can Jon stay over?"

Tom's mother comes into the hallway, frowning at Tom and wiping her hands on a dish towel. "Thomas, what have your father and I said about yelling in the house?" she asks Tom and Tom just shoves his hands into his pockets and shrugs.

"Can he please?" Tom repeats and his mom looks over at Jon with a big smile.

"Of course he can. I just put the roast on for dinner. I'll be sure and put out an extra place for you, okay?" Jon likes Tom's mom's smile. It reminds him of Tom's, incredibly rare but big and bright when it's on display.

"Thank you, Mrs. Conrad," he says to her and lets Tom pull him upstairs to his room.

"So what's up?" Tom asks, throwing himself down at the head of his bed. Jon shrugs and sets his bag down on the floor before lying down across the foot of Tom's bed. Tom nudges him with one bare foot. "No seriously, Jon, tell me. You've never stayed over here before. I figured there were rules against it or something."

There are, sort of. It's one thing to do homework at some boy's house. It's another to spend the night there. Jon will probably get away with it, because he's a husband and… and that's just how it works, but he knows it's not usual.

"I just-" Jon looks at the ceiling, one hand against the bed, picking at the comforter. "The Prophet had a revelation today."

Tom makes a face, like he always does whenever Jon mentions the Prophet and for the first time, it doesn't annoy Jon. "Was it about you?"

Jon shakes his head. "No, Ryan. He had a revelation about Ryan's place in our community."

"Oh," Tom says and Jon doesn't have to look at him to know there will be sympathy written all over his face. "Jon-"

"He's to be a boywife," Jon interrupts, before Tom can go about consoling him. "He's not going to be a husband at all."

Jon looks up and Tom's frowning, clearly trying to puzzle something out. "Well… that's good, right? I mean, he can't marry Spencer that way."

"Tom, Spencer was _crying_ when he left the meeting hall. He's upset and… I don't want that." Jon could never want that. It physically hurt to see Spencer crying like that, especially knowing he was cut off from the one person who could have tried to make him feel better. Jon's known for a while now that Spencer was never going to be his and what he really wants, more than anything is for Spencer to be happy.

"Sorry, man," Tom says, scooting down the bed to rest one hand on Jon's arm.

"I just needed to be away for a little bit," he tells him, turning to face him.

"Any time, Jwalk, you know that."

 

He starts awake in the middle of the night, sweaty and shaking in his sleeping bag. "Jon?" Tom croaks out and Jon can feel him shifting on the bed next to him. "What's going on?"

Jon can't look at him, he closes his eyes and curls up into a little ball because he feels like there's something hard and ugly in the pit of his stomach. "I should pray," he says and Tom shakes him.

"Hey, c'mon, what're you going on about praying for?" he asks and of course he doesn't get it. Tom couldn't understand what Jon's thinking.

"I'm thinking things and they're… they're bad. I should pray, for forgiveness or guidance or… something." Jon feels like he might be sick and all he can see in his head is Spencer crying and Ryan's mom being taken away.

"Hey, nothing you think is bad, man. Nothing. Tell me what's wrong. I can give you my godless, heathen opinion and make you feel better," Tom says it in the most self deprecating way he's capable of and Jon reaches out of his sleeping bag to hug him.

It's awkward and kind of weird, but he wants Tom to know he appreciates everything. "Don't talk about my best friend like that," he says before pulling away.

"Oh whatever," Tom pokes him. "Tell me."

"Ryan's dad, he's… he's not like we're supposed to be. He drinks too much and he's been defying the Council. I don't know what on but my dad said it was bad. He's been losing wives. The Prophet says it's for the best and they leave, they're not married to him anymore. "

"He took his last wife today, it was Ryan's mom. And right after that, the Prophet had his revelation about Ryan. I just… I don't like the way this feels. It makes me doubt everything and you can't get it because you don't believe in anything but… but what if everything I ever learned is a lie? Everything is suspect, Tom, _everything_."

His chest hurts and he kind of feels like crying. All his life he's taken the word of the Prophet as truth. All his life he's been blindly faithful to his religion, to the ways o the compound. But how can anything that makes Spencer so unhappy be the will of God? How is it that the Prophet's revelation came so close on the heels of a punishment for Ryan's father.

"Look, I'm not going to say what I really think, because you don't need to hear that, not now. But Jon, just because you don't agree or have questions or something, it doesn't make you wrong. It doesn't… you're not a bad son or a bad person for that, okay?"

It figures Tom would know exactly what Jon was thinking and he nods, breathing slow so he doesn't start crying. "I fucking mean it, Jwalk. Don't even think mean shit like that about my best friend."

Jon laughs and Tom turns over so he's flat on his back. If he can still laugh about it, it can't be that bad. It's a comforting thought and he curls up on side inside the sleeping back, facing Tom and watching him breathe in and out before falling asleep.

 

"It's a magazine?" Jon asks, staring down at the issue of _Time_ that Tom just tossed in his lap. "Why are you giving this to me?" Tom's given him a couple of issues of Rolling Stone and a copy of Blender before, but that was mostly in some strange attempt to update his taste in music. These all have world disasters and stuff on the covers.

"Dude, I go through all the trouble of sticking post-its on the right pages and you stare at me blankly?" Tom says, looking up from where he's setting up his PS2. Now that Jon's looking he does see little yellow post-its sticking up from between the pages. He opens to the marked pages and stares at the picture for a second.

The composition is pretty terrible, a somewhat blurry picture of women and young men in homespun clothing, holding the hands of children with their eyes cast down. The article's headline doesn't sink in until he's been staring at the picture for a while. _Self Sustained: One woman's journey out of polygamy_, it reads in big, bold letters. Jon thinks he might be sick.

"What… why are you showing me this?" he asks, still staring. Beside him, Tom stops messing with his controller.

"No real reason," Tom says and Jon looks up sharply. Tom shrugs. "You said you had questions. I sure as fuck don't know anything about it. I figure this way you can get like, both sides of the story or whatever." He wouldn't lie, not about this and Jon knows he doesn't approve of polygamy (or at least doesn't get it) but he'd never try and change Jon's mind about it because of that.

Jon sets down the magazines and picks up the second controller. He'd never touched a video game before he became friends with Tom but he's slowly becoming a Tekken master. They play for nearly an hour, until Tom's accusing Jon of cheating and Jon's laughing at him.

"Thanks," he says when they're waiting for the next level to load. "I never would have-" he doesn't know how to explain it. How does he explain that he never would have looked, never would have got the answers for himself because even asking the question feels like sacrilege?

"Yeah I know," Tom says, nudging his side. "Lazy fuck, I've got to do everything."

"Oh you're going to pay for that, Conrad," Jon tells him and goes back to beating Tom senseless in the game.

He keeps the magazines shoved under Tom's mattress and he's shocked the first time he goes to pull one out and ends up with pornography. Tom apologizes and promises to keep it stashed somewhere else and then Jon has a hiding place. He reads them when he and Tom are doing homework; hides them between his books when Tom's mother comes in and almost never talks about them.

 

"Where are you applying?" Tom asks, looking across at the brochures Jon has laid out across Tom's dining room table.

"UNLV, UNR, Utah, BYU, Wyoming, San Diego and Colorado State," Jon lists, looking at all the brochures his dad got for him. "What about you?"

"I'm gonna apply wherever you apply and pray we both get in," Tom says and when Jon looks up, Tom's looking at one of Jon's brochures.

"Seriously?" Jon asks and Tom looks at him like he's crazy.

"Well… yeah. " Tom doesn't say anything else, just looks at Jon, unblinking like it's the most natural thing in the world to go wherever Jon goes for college.

"You're so weird, you know that?" Jon tells him with a huge grin and Tom reaches across the table to punch him in the arm.

"Says the polygamist." Tom rolls his eyes and steals Jon's application to Utah State.

Jon swallows and looks down at the table. "About that, I don't…" he bites his lip and takes a deep breath. "I'm not gonna be that anymore," he manages and across from him he hears Tom drop his pen.

"Yeah?" Tom asks and Jon nods.

"Yeah. I can't… and the articles said… college is a good time to do it because I'll be going away anyways. I don't have to explain it to them until I'm ready," when he looks up again, Tom's watching him closely.

"Cool," Tom says, like he knows Jon won't want to make a big deal out of it. "My mom's making chicken, you want to stay for dinner?" Jon nods and Tom goes to ask his mom if Jon can stay over.

Jon looks down at the brochures and turns the UNLV and UNR ones over. He doesn't want to go to school in Nevada. He wants to be far away from the compound… from everything. The articles he read, in the magazines and online from Tom's computer, they all mentioned having to physically remove themselves from their Fundamentalist families and influences. For Jon, college is a way out; the ultimate way out.

"Mom said you could stay over since you want to work on college applications with me," Tom says when he comes back. Mrs. Conrad is right behind him and Jon just nods.

"Great," he tells them both, putting on his biggest fake smile. "Best to get them in early, right?" Tom's mom nods, mussing Tom's hair and Tom frowns at him but nods too.

"I hadn't said it out loud before," he tells Tom later when they're washing up after dinner. "It feels… realer somehow, now that you know." Tom steps close and wraps his arms around Jon and until that moment, Jon hadn't realized he was crying.

"I'm gonna lose them all," he sobs into Tom's shirt, tears soaking the white shirt Tom wears to bed but voice pitched as low as possible so Tom's parents don't hear him over the sound of Jeopardy in the living room. "I'm not going to have a family anymore."

Tom doesn't bother to reassure him and Jon appreciates that. There's nothing he can say to make Jon feel better that will be even a little bit true. "I'm here, Jon," Tom whispers against Jon's hair and apparently Jon's wrong because it does make him feel better; not much but a little. "I'm not going anywhere."

 

It's both incredibly freeing and vaguely terrifying to know he's leaving. Some days he walks around and it feels like a terrible weight has been lifted off his shoulders and others it's all he can do to keep from being violently ill. Every day he feels a little more removed from the rest of the Compound. He'd already felt somewhat isolated at school. He and Tom are their own social group of two and none of the other students seemed terribly keen to make friends with them.

Now that he's on the outside looking in, almost everything looks different. Meetings of the Congregation that used to be such a wholesome, spiritual affair are now so much uglier and all Jon can see are young girls married to old men and the older men who approve of it.

One thing that hasn't changed for him though, is Spencer. He's still beautiful, still so smart but he's so sad these days. He sees Ryan and Spencer in the halls at school sometimes. They still talk to each other, they're still friends but there's distance between them now. It's wrong, so wrong and Jon can see how much it hurts Spencer.

Spencer sits with his family for Church services and Jon can see him praying but he doesn't know if it's an actual devout fervor or just Spencer trying to avoid the eyes of the older Congregation members looking for another boywife. Spencer's sixteen now and all he needs is parental consent to get married.

Jon TAs for Spencer's English teacher and he knows Spencer gets the best grades in the class. That's not even with any help from Jon; that's all Spencer. He knows Spencer takes advanced math classes and is generally way too smart to waste it on being Elder Harding's fifth boywife or Elder Coleman's seventh.

Jon gets accepted to UNLV, UNR, Colorado State, Wyoming and BYU. Tom only gets accepted to UNLV, UNR and BYU. They match up acceptance letters and that night Jon tells his family he's going to BYU for college. It's not a popular decision but Jon talks to his father alone in his study after dinner and convinces him to let him go. There's an announcement the next Sunday at church services and everyone claps.

"Congratulations," Spencer says on Monday. His class is doing group work while Jon grades papers and when Jon looks up Spencer's smiling at him, like he really means it.

"Huh?" he asks and wants to kick himself for sounding so stupid

"BYU, going to college, any of this ringing a bell?" Spencer asks, lips quirking like he's making fun of Jon but Jon's more than welcome to be in on the joke.

Jon laughs. "Oh that, yeah, thanks. I was just concentrating on, you know-" He points to the stack of multiple choice tests on the Good Earth he's helping grade. "It's a good book, and umm, you all seem to be doing pretty good on the tests." He wants the earth to swallow him, right here. He can't stop talking and he knows he sounds like a complete tool.

"It's okay," Spencer says with a shrug. "I read it before, last year."

"Yeah I know," Jon answers before realizing how creepy that sounds. "I mean I saw you with it." He bites his lip so he'll stop talking because that doesn't sound any less creepy. He remembers though. He remembers Spencer with Ryan's copy, reading it out loud while they walked home or sitting with it in front of the school, waiting for Ryan to come out.

"Oh yeah," Spencer says, smiling like he's just remembering. "Back when we used to talk in front of the school. I don't see you out there much anymore."

_That's because you're not there anymore_, he doesn't say. "I grab a ride home with Tom," he says instead. "No need to wait for the bus."

"Must be nice," Spencer tucks his hair back behind his ears and Jon's sort of frozen for a second, entranced by his hands and his neck and everything that's so graceful in that one gesture.

That's his excuse for saying, "We could give you a ride if you want." Spencer stiffens, eyes going wide and Jon leans back, holding his hands up. "I didn't mean, sorry, that was really, really forward. I'm so sorry," he hisses, trying to keep his voice low but apologizing. He feels like an idiot. Insinuating Spencer would get into a car with two men he's not related to? Why didn't he just call Spencer the whore of Babylon and get it over with?

"It's okay," Spencer says, eyes downcast and Jon reaches out. He doesn't touch Spencer; he couldn't after what he just said. Instead he rests his hand on the table right next to Spencer's and looks up at him.

"I really am sorry. I didn't think about it is all."

This time it sounds like Spencer means it when he says, "That's okay."

 

"You don't have to wait for the bus with me," Spencer says but he's smiling. "I know you've got a ride."

"Tom's doing something in the darkroom, said he'd be out in fifteen," Jon tells him. Tom only said that after Jon begged him to wait _fifteen minutes, all I need is fifteen minutes, come on!_, but Spencer doesn't need to know.

"So you're stuck here, huh?" Spencer asks, leaning back against the wall and holding his books against his chest.

"It's not so bad," Jon answers, watching him before swallowing. "I mean it's a nice day and everything and… you're here."

Jon stands with Spencer, asking about his day and telling Spencer about something that happened in home room this morning until Spencer's bus comes. He talks Tom into waiting around for the next week and invents some project Tom's working on as an excuse to hang out with Spencer.

"Dude, is this a good idea?" Tom asks him on the fourth straight day of Jon staying in front of the school, waiting with Spencer for his bus. Tom's sitting on the hood of his car and when he looks over at Jon it's over the top of his sunglasses. "I mean… you're leaving."

Jon bites his lip and leans his hip against the hood of Tom's car. "Yeah, I know," he says.

Tom just shrugs and tosses him the keys before jumping down. "How about you drive this time?" he says and Jon doesn't get a lot o practice so he takes them.

"What if leaving didn't mean leaving him?" Jon asks when they're on the road. Tom's in the passenger seat, humming along to the CD he has on, something called _Nirvana_ that Jon still feels guilty for liking. He looks over, pushing his sunglasses up in a move Jon knows he learned from a movie and Jon lets out a shaky breath. "He could come with us. Spencer could… he could have a life."

"Jon, what are you talking about? I mean, what _exactly_ are you thinking? Because I thought you wanted out because of how wrong it is, making boys our age and younger into boywives and all that. What… what are you thinking?"

"He's so smart, Tom. He's so much smarter than we are and he's going to die on that Compound, one way or another. I know how the Compound works, okay? Spencer… he's too free. He's got his own mind on so much and even if he gets forced into a marriage it won't work out. He'll never be happy."

"And that's what this is about, making Spencer happy?" Tom asks. Jon opens his mouth but Tom cuts him off. "No seriously, Jon. You love him, you're crazy about him, almost since the day we met it's been 'Spencer this' and 'Spencer that'. I get that. So what I'm asking you is are you sure this is about what's gonna make Spencer happy and not what's gonna make you happy."

Jon's quiet for several minutes, watching the trees and houses as they pass them. He takes a deep breath and squeezes the steering wheel. "I'm not gonna lie and say I don't care if he comes. I want him to come but I know he won't be happy here. He's marriageable age, Tom. Some of the elders are already looking him over, they'll make offers soon."

Tom shrugs. "Okay, then."

Graduation comes and goes but Jon can't bring himself to care. There's a countdown now and every day brings him closer to the day he leaves. One of Jon's moms drives him and Tom to Salt Lake City to look at apartments. She brings them to nice places with rents Jon and Tom can't hope to afford themselves but he and Tom looked on their own. They suggest cheaper places; buildings they'll still be able to afford when Jon's parents won't foot the bill anymore.

The sixth place they go to is perfect. It's in an ugly rundown building but it's within driving distance to the university and best of all, so long as he and Tom get jobs they'll be able to afford it all on their own. They sign the papers and they're set to move in the week before classes start.

"You need to hurry up and ask him," Tom tells him on the way home. They're both in the back seat and Jon's mom is in front, asking them about furniture and what kind of refrigerator they'll want in their new place. Jon feels kind of guilty about taking all the great stuff they're going to give him but not guilty enough not to take it.

Besides if everything works out he's going to need to have a decently nice home for him and his boywife. Just thinking that makes him feel nauseous.

"I know and I'm gonna," he whispers back, keeping his voice low so his mom doesn't hear him.

Tom just leans back with a sigh. "That's not your real mom, right?" he asks, nodding towards the front seat. She's not, not like Tom's asking but she's been married to his father since before Jon was born. It feels wrong to say she's not his mother.

"Yes and no," Jon says, shrugging. "It's complicated." Tom doesn't say anything to that, just leans his head back on the seat and closes his eyes.

 

On Wednesdays, Spencer does the washing. He takes all the wet bedding outside to hang dry and more often than not, he's alone. "Hi,"" Jon says, standing just outside the yard. He's in full view of the house and at least three windows overlook this spot. Everyone in Spencer's family can see him, see what he's doing.

"Oh hey, Jon," Spencer calls and waves him over. Jon strolls into the yard, hands kept firmly in his pockets and swallows.

"So… so I'm leaving soon," he starts and Spencer just nods. "I was sort of wondering if… if maybe you wanted to come with me?"

Spencer looks up at him, sharply and the sheet he's hanging nearly falls to the ground. Jon leans forward, hands shooting out to sweep it up. He helps Spencer hang it back up and Spencer lets him, biting his lip. "What exactly are you saying?" he finally says, once he's got clothespins holding down the sheet. He shoves hair back from his face and for a second Jon can't breathe.

"Marry me," he whispers, voice low but he can see that Spencer heard him. "You can come with me, move away."

"You've spoken to my father?" Spencer asks and he's looking down at the ground, hands in fists at his sides.

"I haven't spoken to anyone," Jon assures him, licking his lips because his whole mouth has gone dry. "I wanted to ask you, just you. I'm leaving. I'm going to college and I think I have a lot to offer you."

"The youngest son of an elder?" Spencer asks disbelievingly. Jon shakes his head.

"No, it's not because of who I am. I'm going to college and you can finish high school and go to college with me. I want you to have things, a life. I'm not… I'm _leaving_, not just for college. I'm giving it all up for good. I'm not asking you to be my First, I'm asking you to be my Only. I know you, Spencer and you won't be happy here, this place will kill you if you stay."

"You don't _know_ me," Spencer interrupts with a glare. "Why would you even want to? If you're leaving why would you want… you don't know me."

"I know so much," Jon says and he knows this is probably weird, probably creepy but he doesn't care. "You're so smart, Spencer. You're the smartest person I've ever known, smarter than anyone else on the Compound. When you smile it's like my heart hurts with how happy I am. And you're so contrary, I love how-"

"I'm not contrary," Spencer argues and then blushes. "That doesn't prove anything."

Jon just grins. "I want to marry you. I think I'd make a good husband and I'm willing to spend the rest of my life learning to do it just right. I'm not asking that you be obedient or subservient or any of that. I'm just asking that you be mine. I can learn to cook and clean and all of that, if you teach me. We can be partners."

"And we'll go away, forever?" Spencer clarifies and Jon nods.

"I'm done with the Principle and done with the Compound. We can make it. I'll get a job and take out loans and we'll make it. I already worked it all out," he bites his lip and holds out his hand. "Just say yes."

"Okay," Spencer says, nodding solemnly and placing his palm against Jon's. "Okay, I'll marry you."

The ceremony is simple, Jon's father makes all the arrangements and all Jon has to do is show up and get sealed. He doesn't think he's ever been this happy in his entire life. Spencer's solemn, holding Jon's hand and repeating the words he's supposed to. Jon knows he can make Spencer smile though. If he puts his mind to it, he knows he can and he has the rest of their lives to do it.

He sees Spencer talking to Ryan after they've been sealed and the marriage license has been signed. It's a good thing, really. Spencer should say goodbye to Ryan properly. They've been friends for years and Jon expects they'll stay friends even though Spencer's leaving. Spencer should have friends, he deserves them and it's not Jon's place to decide anyways.

He repeats that to himself, over and over while he sips punch and accepts the well wishes of their congregation, all the while trying to will the knot of jealousy that's settled in his stomach away.

 

"It's… nice," Spencer says when Jon leads him into their new apartment. It's not, not really and Jon can admit that.

"Look at it this way, Spencer… we can't really go anywhere but up from here," Jon tells him, bringing their bags into their room. It's on the other side of the apartment from Tom's, the kitchen and living room between them.

Spencer laughs. "You might have a point."

They've been sleeping in their parent's homes because Jon wanted to wait until they were really on their own and in their own place before he and Spencer laid together. It's… it's terrible. It's the worst thing ever, actually. Spencer spreads his legs and Jon slicks himself and tries to push inside. It doesn't work though, it's too tight and Spencer's face scrunches up in pain and there might even be tears in the corners of his eyes.

"I umm, I'm sorry," Jon mumbles, pulling away, looking down at the comforter so Spencer can't see the way he's blushing. "I'm going to go get some water." He fumbles into his boxers and pajama pants and rolls off the bed. Spencer looks stunned when Jon opens the door and Jon's never been so embarrassed in his life.

He closes the door behind him and immediately crosses the living room and kitchen to open Tom's door. "Hey!" he says, trying to keep his voice low enough so Spencer won't hear but still loud enough that Tom will wake up. "Wake up!"

"Wha?" Tom asks, turning over and blinking. "Dude… shouldn't you be doing something with the missus about now?"

"Umm," Jon answers, blushing all the way down to his feet. "I was kind of wonder if umm, how do you… you know." Tom just looks at him blankly. "You _know_, Tom. How do you… do it."

Tom laughs, loud enough that Spencer might hear it. Jon holds his finger up to his lips and Tom covers his mouth to muffle himself. "It's kind of self explanatory, Jon. It's a tab A, slot B kind of thing."

"I tried!" Jon hisses back. "He was _crying_!"

"Jon, man, I love you like a brother or something but I'm not about to tell you how to have sex with your boywife. I'm focusing on how funny this is and if I don't it'll just be awkward. Do you really think Spencer wants you asking me about sex? I mean, I have to live with him for the next four years.

He has a point but that doesn't make him feel any less bad about the tears that were in Spencer's eyes. "I just don't know how to do anything," he admits and then hears Tom sigh.

"Okay, look," Tom tells him, sitting up and holding his hand up. It's closed, almost like a fist but there's space between the fingers and palm. Jon blinks. "Jerk him off like this, okay? Just jerk him of and I'll bookmark some sites for you to read on my computer tomorrow, all right?" Tom's blushing. He isn't looking up, so Jon can't see his cheeks but his neck is bright red so Jon can only assume they're a similar color.

"I never-" Jon starts but Tom cuts him off.

"Yeah, I know you haven't but you're not really all that religious anymore and even if you were, it's for him, not you. Get him off to make up for hurting him before and tomorrow you can learn to do it right, okay?"

"That… yeah, okay. This is… this is actually really good advice, Tom." It's not that Jon isn't used to Tom saying useful things on occasion, it's just that his advice usually sucks.

"On the subject of masturbation and making it up to people when you fuck up at sex, I'm a master, Jon," Tom says with a small smile.

"Hey," he says when he steps back into the room he's sharing with Spencer now. Spencer turns over, faces him and he's not crying anymore but there's a look of fury on his face.

"You don't have any water," he says and Jon swallows hard, coming over to the bed.

"I umm, I drank it in the kitchen." It's the worst, least convincing lie Jon's ever told.

"You were talking to Tom," Spencer shoots back, incredulous. "I could hear you talking to Tom. You were pretty loud and the walls aren't all that thick."

"Sorry," Jon says, because he is. He didn't want to go to Tom about this; he knows it's probably a blow to Spencer's pride. "I don't really know what I'm doing." He's surprised he manages to get it out, it's so embarrassing and he knows he's supposed to know this, he's supposed to get it right.

"My mother said that we'd lay together and that, that you'd be inside me." Jon turns onto his side so he can watch Spencer say it. He sees the blush on Spencer's cheeks and reaches out to run his thumb over it.

"Tom said he'd bookmark websites so we can read up on what we're supposed to do," Jon whispers, tracing the line of Spencer's cheek to his jaw. "I want to learn with you. I want to find out how to make you feel good."

Spencer swallows and reaches down, tangling his fingers with Jon's. "Okay, we'll… we'll learn together."

Jon leans in, pressing close to Spencer's side and drops a kiss to Spencer's mouth. "Good," he whispers and Spencer laughs against his mouth and tilts his face up for more. He parts his lips, licking across the seam of Spencer's mouth with his tongue until Spencer opens his mouth and lets him inside.

This is nothing like the chaste kiss they shared in front of the entire Congregation. Spencer reaches out, settling his hand on Jon's shoulder and Jon breaks the kiss just long enough to fumble around for Spencer's cock with his free hand. "I want to, can I?" he asks, the back of his fingers brushing against Spencer's balls and Spencer just nods.

He closes his hand around Spencer, like Tom showed him to and kisses him again. It's sloppy, wet and Jon knows this probably isn't the best kiss ever but he doesn't care. Spencer's letting him kiss him. Spencer wants Jon to kiss him. He has his hand wrapped around Spencer's dick and Spencer's making the most beautiful moaning noises into his mouth.

"Jon, jon, _Jon_," Spencer whimpers and then he comes into Jon's hand.

"I love you," he tells Spencer afterwards, kissing the flush on his cheeks.

"Thank you," Spencer answers and opens his mouth, probably to repeat it back to Jon so Jon kisses him again.

"It's okay that you don't yet," he whispers against Spencer's mouth. "I understand and I know." He squeezes Spencer's hand. "We'll get there."

 

Looking up information about sex is sort of horrifically embarrassing. He'd had hope that Tom bookmarking sites for them would reduce the embarrassment. That's obviously because he's suffered some kind of head trauma recently and forgot he was relying on _Tom Conrad_ to make things less embarrassing.

"I didn't think there'd be videos," Spencer says. He's sitting beside Jon, blushing but clearly watching what's happening on the monitor. It's two men on this site, which is helpful because the first one was all women and the second was women and men. "He's putting his fingers umm, inside, with the slick on them. You think that's where we went wrong?"

It's nice of Spencer to say _we_ when it's obvious Jon was the one at fault. They watch a few more videos on the site and Jon thinks he's pretty much got the idea of what he did wrong. "I'll get it right this time," he says, once he closes the browser. "Promise."

Spencer just smiles and tucks his hair back behind his ears. "I'm going to the market. Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm good." Jon follows him to the front door and opens it for him. Tom's making his way up the stairway. "Bye," he says and kisses the corner of Spencer's mouth. Tom rolls his eyes as he passes by them and Spencer laughs, tossing a wave on his way down the stairs.

"_Bye_" Tom says in the highest pitched voice possible. Jon punches him. "Lame, Jwalk, seriously, seriously lame."

"You'd know all about that!" Jon shoots back. "What _were_ those sites you sent us to?"

Tom blinks. "Dude, it's like the complete idiot's guide to gay sex. Don't tell me you were confused."

"No," Jon answers, blushing. "The videos were pretty clear, once we got to the ones with men."

"What?" Tom asks and then his eyes widen in understanding. "Oh fuck, oh, Jwalk… did you look through my actual bookmarks? Because there's nothing but porn in there."

"Why would you- you said- I, we…" Jon has no idea what to say and Tom's just laughing hard enough he's on the floor.

"There was a file, a text file on my desktop. It said 'JON AND SPENCER' in all caps, man. There were links!" Tom gasps out, laughing all the while. Jon feels like an idiot.

"Well, I figured it out," he says defensively, folding his arms. "Thanks for, you know."

"Yeah?" Tom asks and he's smiling. "Good. I'm glad I could help. Or at least my porn collection could help."

 

"How was school?" Jon asks, looking up from where he's peeling potatoes. Spencer's bent over a bowl, working meat, breadcrumbs, eggs and spices together for meatloaf. He's been quiet all night and Jon thinks he should say something.

"Fine," Spencer tells him with a shrug that definitely means he isn't.

"I know you have homework tonight. I can finish up in here if you want to work on it?" Jon asks

"Finish up doing what, ruining those?" Spencer asks, glancing down at the potatoes which are maybe cut a little uneven and his hands which only have maybe three cuts from the peeler.

"I'm learning!" He says with a grin. "Give me another month and I'll be like a pro!"

"And in the meantime we'll just have to put up with the coppery taste of your blood in our mashed potatoes?" Spencer shakes his head. "If you hold the potato like this and peel away from you you won't catch your fingers."

Jon tries to mirror what Spencer's showing him, curling his fingers and Spencer just laughs. "Oh, no, no," he says and reaches out for Jon's hands. It presses him flush against Jon's side and Jon tries to pay attention to important lesson on potato peeling but he's still trying to get used to being able to do this. Months and months later and he still can't believe it's okay for Spencer to touch him like this, that Spencer wants to touch him.

"You're not even paying attention," Spencer says with a sigh.

"Yes I am, it's like, umm, this," he tries to copy what Spencer's been showing him, turning his head so he's looking directly at Spencer and grinning.

"Close enough, Jon," Spencer says and leans in to kiss the corner of Jon's mouth. Jon turns into it, ready for a proper kiss but the door opens and Tom comes through, wiping his feet as loudly as possible on the doormat.

"Oh cool, dinner, you need my help with anything?" Tom asks, coming into the kitchen.

"NO!" he and Spencer say at the same time and Tom blushes.

"Curtains catch fire one time and they never let you forget it," He mumbles, stomping back towards his room.

"You were using the microwave!" Spencer calls after him and then they both laugh.

Tom does the dishes after dinner and Spencer and Jon sit on the couch to work on their homework together until it's time for bed. "You two are seriously like an old married couple," Tom says, waving them off to bed. Jon bites his lip and takes Spencer's hand as they walk to their bedroom.

"Earlier, when I asked about school, you seemed kind of… not fine," Jon says while they're changing for bed. He pulls on his pajama pants and when he looks up, Spencer's standing at his dresser, head down and eyes tightly closed, like he's angry or trying not to cry.

"You don't have to say," Jon adds, crossing the room. He rests his hand on Spencer's shoulder and Spencer's face crumples a little. "Spencer-" He doesn't know what else to say, what he should say. His father always said the Lord strengthened him and gave him guidance so that he was always able to speak with authority to his children and wives. He'd assured Jon that if he looked and asked for it, he'd find it too.

Jon doesn't have any such delusions that he knows anything about anything and he certainly can't solve all of Spencer's problems. He presses himself against Spencer's back, wrapping his arms around him. "If you want to talk, I'll listen. If you don't want to talk, I'll hold you until you feel better, if you want something else, just tell me and I'll do it." He kisses Spencer's neck and Spencer starts crying. He covers his face with his hands but he's clearly crying.

"I'm so sorry," Spencer says, whispering through his sobs. "I'm so sorry I'm so miserable. I don't mean to be. I'm trying not to be. I'm sorry, Jon."

"Miserable, here?" Jon turns his face into Spencer's neck, tells himself he can't cry too. If Spencer's unhappy here, if he's unhappy with Jon and Salt Lake City and their marriage then Jon has to let him go, he can't be selfish. He tells himself all of this even as his arms tighten around Spencer. He doesn't want to let go.

"We're so alone, don't you feel it? This empty apartment and all these strangers and the kids at school and," Spencer cuts himself off with another sob and Jon swallows.

"Are they being mean to you at school?" he asks. Back home some of the LDS kids used to make fun of them. _Pliggy PliggyPliggy_ they called after them in the halls and scrawled in sharpie on their lockers.

"No, not really," Spencer tells him, still shuddering. "They don't talk to me. They know I'm married because it's on my file and they just… don't talk to me." Spencer pulls away, goes to the bed and lays down on his side with his back to Jon. It's not exactly an invitation but it's also not a dismissal. Jon follows him, stretches out on his side and reaches out, rests his hand on Spencer's back.

"Before, back on the Compound when something happened that was bad or that made me unhappy I could lie to myself. I could say it was God's will or that I was making sacrifices for the Lord or something. I don't even have that anymore," Spencer shakes his head, his voice is thick and Jon thinks if he could see his face he'd see he's crying again. "I didn't believe. I haven't believed in a long time but the lie was there and I could… it was comforting. I was still part of something and that felt… it was nice to be a part of something bigger than me. Don't you miss that?"

Jon swallows and leans forward so they're pressed up against each other again. "I am part of something bigger," he says and presses a kiss to Spencer's shoulder. There's a small group of freckles there. He can't see them in the dark of their bedroom but in the morning, when he wakes up next to Spencer, they'll be there and he can kiss them again.

"This is… you and me, I'm going to be working at this my whole life. It's not just about me. It's about you and it's about us and… I'm not saying I don't miss everything. I do, Spencer. I miss knowing that I was right, that whatever I was doing was the right thing to do. But I haven't had that in a long time and I was never going to get it back." He tries to swallow the lump in his throat but he can't, suddenly he's thinking about things he didn't want to think about and he can feel tears pricking at his eyes.

"I miss my moms and my brothers and my sisters. I miss my dad and family dinners and playing catch and football and the hot soup my mom makes in the fall." He exhales hard, breath shaky and Spencer must hear the tears in his voice because he turns over and wraps his arms around Jon. "We're never going to have that again, Spencer, neither of us. So I want you to know you're not alone. You're never alone in this, all right? I'll always be here."

Spencer kisses him, licks into his mouth and pulls him tight up against him. They're snotty and gross and it's probably the worst kiss ever but Jon sighs into it, tightens his hold on Spencer. "I love you," he mumbles into Spencer's mouth and Spencer just kisses him harder

 

"They're basic accounting classes. I figure I can get a summer job to pay for them," Spencer's saying from the living room. Jon's stirring spaghetti sauce and nodding. If Spencer gets a job over the summer, he thinks they can pay for it.

"Yeah, we'll have enough for fees and all that by the time you need to enroll, I think. That's right after the second payday of the month, right? So we'll have already payed rent with the first?" The sauce is turning out pretty good but he really can't remember if they pay rent with his first paycheck or his second every month.

"If only there was some place where I kept the household accounts," Spencer says, voice dripping with sarcasm. "A book or _ledger_ with all of our expenditures and income where you could look up steady payments, like rent, that I make every month to find that out. Or you could just trust that the person who, you know, _pays the bills and actually knows what they are_ already figured out the money aspect before bringing it to you."

"You're such a smart alec," Jon says, shaking his head. "If you already figured out the money thing, why are you asking me?"

"Well I'll have to get a job and work outside the-" Spencer cuts himself off and when Jon looks over he's blushing. "I forget sometimes," he says, biting his lip.

Jon laughs. "Come here and taste this, I think I've got it just right." Spencer comes into the kitchen and leans over Jon's back to bring the spoon to his mouth.

"Mmmm, that's kind of perfect, Jon," Spencer says, snaking his arm around Jon's waist. "I think I'll keep you."

 

Spencer has class at the community college and then work until four. That means he's probably not going to get anything good for lunch so Jon has the great idea (and even Tom thinks it's a great idea) to bring lunch to him. It's just a Tupperware full of leftovers, because they're not made of money or anything but Jon packs a little tablecloth and one of those electric candles that looks like it's flickering to make it more romantic.

"Hi," Spencer says when Jon walks into the doctor's office he works in. He sounds surprised and blinks a few times like he doesn't believe Jon's really there.

"I brought you lunch," he says and Spencer still looks surprised. "You know, to eat, for lunch."

"Oh, my break doesn't start for a few more minutes," he says and Jon nods.

"Yeah I know, I got here early so I wouldn't miss it." Jon grins and Spencer bites his lip.

He doesn't know why Spencer's less than thrilled to see him but he figures it must be a tough day at work or school and leans against the wall. "I saw you got another letter from Ryan," he says, because Spencer always loves talking about his letters from Ryan. "How's he doing?"

"He's fine, doing those roofing repairs. I was kind of hoping I'd get to write him back today, over my lunch break. That way I could send it out with the last of the mail. Tom gave me that picture he took of the three of us and I was going to put it in so Ryan can see how we're doing."

Jon feels like kind of a tool for ruining Spencer's plans. "Oh, oh hey, why don't I just leave lunch for you, then? So you can eat and, you know, write back. I didn't know is all."

"Are you sure?" Spencer asks and Jon hands over the basket and nods.

"Yeah, I'll see you tonight, okay? Tell Ryan I said hello." It hurts a little, that Spencer would rather write Ryan but Jon knows how isolated and alone Spencer feels still. If exchanging letters with Ryan helps him with that, even a little, then Jon's completely in favor of it.

"You didn't mention it was a romantic picnic lunch," Spencer says when he gets home.

"It's fine, Spencer. I wanted you to be able to do stuff that you want and I didn't call or ask or anything."

"There was an electric candle. It was like something out of those sappy movies you and Tom watch." Spencer puts his hands on the counter on either side of Jon's hips and leans in. He's been going through a growth spurt and Jon figures it won't be long before Spencer's taller than he is.

"Ryan's your best friend. I don't want you to feel cut off from him," Jon whispers and Spencer kisses him.

"I'm not cut off from Ryan. I couldn't be, not really. And I don't want you feeling like you're cut off from me," Spencer answers.

It's only five in the evening. They still need to make dinner and Jon feels sort of scandalous but he drags Spencer into their room and starts undressing him. Long summer days mean the sun is still out and Jon runs his hands down Spencer's body, kisses his chest and flicks his tongue over Spencer's nipples.

By the time Jon closes his mouth around Spencer's cock, Spencer's already arching into every touch. Jon pours lube onto two fingers and eases them inside of him, first one and then the other, tongue swirling against the head of Spencer's cock all the while. Spencer spreads his thighs and rocks down, moaning and Jon pulls off. He lets his fingers slip out of Spencer and slicks his cock.

"Spencer," he whispers, leaning in to brush his mouth against Spencer's while he's pressing inside. Spencer likes it slow, likes for Jon to roll his hips forward, rub against that place inside while Spencer gets used to it all over again. He prefers the deep, steady thrusts of Jon's hips inside of him, whimpers softly every time Jon gets it just right.

Jon likes the way Spencer tangles his fingers in Jon's hair. He likes the way Spencer pulls when something feels particularly good. He likes wrapping his hand around Spencer's cock and stroking him until he comes across Jon's hand and both of their stomachs. He likes kissing Spencer afterwards, loves the way Spencer holds him close.

He feels a little embarrassed to go out into the house afterwards, once both of them are cleaned up and dressed again. Tom's in the living room, watching baseball and eating Chinese. There are take-out boxes on the table. "Eat up, guys," Tom tosses over his shoulder with a teasing grin. "You need to keep your strength up." Jon throws his fortune cookie at him and spends the entire sixth inning arguing with Tom whether that makes it Tom's or not. He eventually stops blushing.

 

"I don't understand why you're out here, Spence," Jon says. He has his arms wrapped around Spencer from behind, though he's not sure how much body heat is getting to him through the layers of coats they're wearing.

"It's game day!" Spencer answers, arms wrapped around himself. What little Jon can see of Spencer's face is bright red with cold and he coughs into his gloved hand, eyes drooping.

"You're supposed to be at home! The doctor said you needed rest!" Jon shouts back but just squeezes Spencer tighter.

"His doctor didn't know Colorado State needed to get its ass handed to them today!" Tom shouts at both of them. Jon really doubts that, it feels like everyone in Salt Lake and Provo knows about this game. It's a token protest he's putting up, but he still feels bad about Spencer being out here in the cold when he has the flu.

"I'm making you chicken soup tomorrow," he whisper-shouts into Spencer's ear. Spencer doesn't get a chance to answer back though because BYU scores a touchdown and the entire stadium erupts in cheers.

Jon presses his scarf covered mouth against Spencer's, sharing breath between the layers of yarn and then they both join the cheering.

Spencer's so tired he can barely walk the next day. Jon calls him out of school and takes the day off to look after him. He makes him that chicken soup he promised and tries to feed it to him until Spencer gets annoyed and takes the bowl by force. He's tired after that so Jon brings in a tray for him to rest the soup bowl on so he can feed himself.

"I'm gonna run downstairs for a bit, okay?" Jon says, grabbing their laundry bag and stuffing the disgusting bedding from last night in it. Spencer's fever broke last night but it's really obvious he sweat it out. "I'm just gonna head down to the Laundromat and throw these in the in the wash."

He leans down to press a kiss to Spencer's forehead and Spencer lifts his arm to rest on Jon's hip. "I love you," Spencer says and Jon drops the laundry bag. He pulls back for a second, biting his lip and Spencer just gives him a tired smile. "I love you so much, Jon." He holds up his hand when Jon leans in. "Don't kiss me; I don't want you sick too."

"One of us got our flu shot this year," Jon reminds him and presses his mouth softly against Spencer's. He doesn't try for more because Spencer really is sick, just keeps their lips pressed together in a close-mouthed kiss.

"I love you too," he says and Spencer nods.

"I know," he answers and squeezes Jon's hip. "Now go do our laundry." Jon laughs but does as he says.

 

They go out for Spencer's graduation. It's a decently nice restaurant, which means they're likely going to be eating pasta next week but it's worth it because Spencer's flushed and happy in his stupid gown that Tom makes him wear into the restaurant.

Spencer pulls him close and presses their lips together. "Done!" he says, triumphantly against Jon's mouth.

"Now just four years of college and you're good to go," Jon teases and Spencer licks into his mouth, kisses him hard. There's a flash next to them and they both turn to scowl at Tom and his camera.

"To the graduate!" Tom says and pushes over the beer he just ordered. Spencer bites his lip for a second and Tom laughs. "Dude, it's shitty Utah beer, don't worry about it."

Jon's ready to tell him he doesn't have to but Spencer shrugs and pulls it in front of him. They order appetizers as well as dinner (because Tom agrees to pay for half) and by desert, Spencer's on his fourth glass. Jon figured that wouldn't be a big deal, since that's about two real beers but he was clearly underestimating Spencer's ability to be a lightweight.

"I just really love you, you know, Jon?" Spencer's saying, listing against Jon and for the first time Jon regrets the growth spurt that means trying to half-carry Spencer is such tough work. Tom's less than no help; he just takes pictures and laughs his head off.

"And you, Tom," Spencer says solemnly, reaching out for his arm. "You're my only friend here, other than Jon. You're really great."

"Let's get you home, champ," Tom says and his voice has gone soft while he helps Jon carry him the rest of the way to the car. Spencer sings quietly all the way back to their apartment and Tom watches him in the mirror with a small smile on his face. "Okay, he's pretty great." Tom sounds grudging when he admits it but Jon just beams back.

 

Jon packs them a picnic for their anniversary and they head out of the city. It's warm outside and Spencer sings along to the radio while they drive down long country roads, Spencer's hand holding his own across the gearshift. "No flickery candle?" Spencer asks, once the blanket is spread out and Jon starts pulling out Tupperware containers.

"Guess you'll have to do without," Jon tells him, pressing a grape to Spencer's mouth.

"Romance really is dead," Spencer teases but he kisses the tips of Jon's fingers to show he's kidding. "It's pretty out here, kind of like the Compound, the nice parts of the Compound." That's most of the reason why Jon chose it when he was driving around looking for a place to have a private picnic. Just sitting here under the trees with the grass underneath him reminds him of some of his favorite childhood memories. And the way some of the trees are set up look exactly like the clump of trees behind Spencer's parent's house.

"It's like your old backyard, don't you think?" Jon asks and Spencer nods, munching on a grape. "I chose it because it reminds me of the place I asked you to marry me."

Spencer smiles hugely and leans in to kiss him. "It is, isn't it? I just noticed." Spencer rests his head on Jon's shoulder and Jon runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm so glad I said yes. I can't imagine passing this up. I mean, it's still hard because no one knows what it's like for us, but I wouldn't give this up. No way."

Jon pushes Spencer back onto the blanket and lays on top of him hands on either side of Spencer's head while he kisses him. Spencer rocks his hips up, arching against Jon. "I'll love you forever," Jon whispers against Spencer's mouth and Spencer grins again and reaches out for Jon's hand.

"That's the only part I want to be real. You and me, sealed for eternity, I want that to be true, I could believe in that," Spencer whispers back. Jon just squeezes his hand and kisses him again.

 

Jon wakes up with his arm wrapped around Spencer's waist and buries his face against Spencer's back. "Who would be calling at this hour? We've got class in the morning" he asks while Spencer answers it. Jon can hear a panicked voice on the other end and Spencer sits up, his entire body going rigid. Jon wipes the sleep out of his eyes because that can't be good and Spencer gets out of bed.

"Hey, no, it's okay. Don't be sorry, I… NO. Don't worry, okay? Don't worry because we're coming," Spencer says fiercely into the phone.

"What's going on?" Jon asks and Spencer bites his lip and swallows hard.

"That was Ryan, he and his father are getting thrown out."

"Spencer, Spencer I'm so sorry," Jon says, getting up and crossing to Spencer. He puts his arms around Spencer's shoulders, pulls him close. Jon can't imagine finding out that Tom's being thrown out of his home with no other options and he knows his relationship with Tom isn't nearly as complex as Spencer's is with Ryan.

"Jon," Spencer says and he's crying, he grabs hold of the front of Jon's shirt and sobs but he looks up, looks Jon straight in the eye. "Jon I need you to do something for me."


End file.
